Past Due Balance

From: Moxie Pest Control
To: Me

Kimberly Henderson,

Your account with Moxie Pest Control has a balance over 30 days past due. Please send your payment as soon as possible to our office at the address noted above or call the number below to make payment over the phone. Your prompt payment is appreciated. If you foresee any difficulty with making payment promptly, please contact us at 555-555-8200, or email at the address below, so that we can discuss possible payment arrangements.
If payment of this amount has already been remitted, please disregard this notice and accept our "Thank You" for the payment.
If you have any questions and/or concerns, don't hesitate to call.

Thanks for your time,
Moxie Pest Control Office Staff



To: Moxie Pest Control
From: Me

Dear Moxie Pest Control Office Staff,

I apologize for being remiss in remitting my payment for your services, but it seems that the gods are conspiring against me.  You see, when I sat down to write a check out to Moxie Pest Control, the check book was not in it's usual location.  When I later found the checkbook in the freezer, my pen and pencil drawer was empty. I was relieved to find a pen in my purse, but then things got weird. I opened the check book to where the little plastic flap is and all of the remaining checks had bizarre messages on them.  The first one said, "VOID" across it in big capital letters.  The next one said, "Use this at your own peril!". The third one threatened my life using words that I will not repeat in this email.  I think the fourth one had blood on it.  So...that was odd.  

It was at this point that I attempted to call you at the number you provided. That was a very bad idea. My cell phone battery was dead and my charger cord had been severed (it had teeth marks on it). Luckily (or so I thought), I still have a home phone, so I attempted to call you from my kitchen.  Have you ever seen the movie 'Final Destination', Moxie Pest Control Staff? If you haven't, you should watch this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxYVT3x6_hM.  What happened next was a lot like what happened in that scene except for two things: 1 - I was trying to place a phone call and 2 - I survived. Ok...three things: 3 - I'm not as young or pretty as the woman in the film.  So, back to my story, when I removed the handset from the receiver, I took a step backwards toward the kitchen table.  To my dismay, there was a dishtowel on the floor and it caused me to slip and fall on my fanny.  I was not able to keep a hold on the handset as I fell and the coiled cord acted as a projectile after it caught on the edge of a chair.  When it came free, it slammed me hard on the nose which caused my nose to bleed profusely. I then reached for the dishtowel to catch the blood but it had caught air during the melee and ended up on the counter.  If you watched the video, I don't need to explain what happened when I tried to pull the dishtowel off of the counter.  

So, I am now resorting to email in an attempt to aksjfd aeirjwaoeir awirthtwklrjgn afjkgbg

Dear Moxie Evildoers,

Kimberly Henderson is now our hostage.  If you ever attempt to poison us again or if we hear that you continue to call us pests, we will come for you next.

Also, you should call Kimberly Henderson or perhaps send her a collection letter via snail mail.  She apparently thought it would be fun to give you someone else's email address.  This particular Kimberly Henderson lives in Atlanta and has never used your services. 

Sincerely,

the Rat King

DJ Needed

From: Another Kimberly Henderson
To: DJ BB

Hello Mr. Barnes,

My name is Kimberly Henderson and I was the party planner for the Hurd's Retirement Party. The reason for my email is I am planning a graduation party on Jun 1 and I need to hire a DJ. You did such a great job for the Hurd's that I wanted to see if you are available on Jun 1? If so, can you please email me your cost? The party will be from 7 - 11 pm at the Royal Oak Country Club.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thanks
Kimberly Henderson

From: DJ BB
To: Me

Hello Kimberly, were you able to find a dj for the first of june because I am available.  My booking canceled.

From: Me
To: DJ BB

Hey DJ Bubba Bear! (I made that up myself using your initials!  Isn't it great? If you decide to use this name on promotional materials, it's fine with me. I won't sue or anything.)  Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

The graduation party is still on and we are still looking to hire a DJ.  I have been working on developing a theme for this party and with the recent release of the Great Gatsby movie, I'm picturing a 1920s party.  I know these kids are still underage, but it kinda goes along with a prohibition theme to have bathtub gin and hunch punch, don't you think?
As far as music is concerned, I want to stick to 20-30s style music mashed up with modern rap & hip hop like they did for the movie.  Here are some songs that I think would go well together (of course, you are the dj, so feel free to get creative):

Yes! We Have No Bananas / Illest Motherf*cker Alive
I Loves You Porgy / Hate that I Love You
In the Jailhouse Now / 25 to Life
Ain't Misbehavin' / 99 Problems
Heebie Jeebies / Thrift Shop
My Mammy / B!tch Don't Kill My Vibe
California, Here I Come! / California Love
Walk Right In / Trapped in the Closet
Sweet Georgia Brown/ ATLiens

I'll keep thinking on this and send you an email each time I think of one.
Also, you might want to send a separate email to the Kimberly Henderson that asked if you were available for a graduation party on June 1st.  Turns out, there is more than one Kimberly Henderson and only one of us (that's me) got this email address.

Best of Luck to you DJ Bubba Bear!!

Stay and Play

From: Denise
To: Me

Hi Kimberly,

I am interested in joining you on Friday for the play date, however I am not sure if I will be able to make it this Friday.

In the future if you continue to do these kinds of events I would love to join you all so if you would not mind keeping me in the loop that would be great. I have a son who will be 2 in a few weeks and I love doing play dates with others! 

Thanks so much for offering this!

Love,
Denise

From: Me

To: Denise

Hi Denise,
Whenever you can come is fine - there will always be space for your son.  Our Stay and Play events are similar to the Hotel California in that you can check in any time you like, but you can never leave.  I hope I mentioned that the last time we talked since that seems to catch some parents off guard. 

The perks of a 24/7 lifetime-long play groups are numerous.  You never have to worry about your child being bored at home since we currently have 50 children between the ages of 6mo and 12 years in the building.  Once a child turns 13, we send them to a separate facility in a 3rd world country where they stay until they are 17 and learn to appreciate nice things.  At 17, they return to our U.S. facility and begin working as staff and caretakers.  Our curriculum is light on the 3 Rs, but heavy on manual labor and street smarts.  Some of our staff who are not suited for childcare are sent out as panhandlers to keep this operation running, so that's where the street smarts training really pays off (as you can imagine)! 

Hope to see you soon!
Kimberly

p.s. I have a strong suspicion that you intended to send this message to a different Kimberly Henderson.  And before you call the cops on me, I'm kidding.  I swear I'm kidding.