Maternity Tour

From: Employee of a hospital in the northeast
To: Me
Date: 12/07/2012
Subject: Registration for Maternity Tour

Thank you for registering for Maternity Tour at Hospital. 
Your registration is provisional for the course.

Course Name: Maternity Tour
Course Date and Time: Sun, Jan 20, 2013 3:15PM - 4:15PM
Instructor: Judy
Special Instructions/Comments:Partners may attend To process registration, when asked for payment - click "check" to process. Tour is Free. Do not send check. 

Name: Kimberly Henderson
This registration is provisional. To confirm this registration please send your check for $Free to the following address:

Address of hospital in northeast


From: Me
To: Employee of a hospital in the northeast
Date: 12/07/2012
Subject: Registration for Maternity Tour

I have a few questions that I hope you will be able to answer during the Maternity Tour for which I have registered.  If you prefer to answer me directly in email, that's fine too.  

1 - Will we be given a map prior to the tour?  I have a fear of getting lost in hospitals.  The reason is this: the last time I was in a hospital, it was because my older brother, Anthony, had gotten a concussion at a little league game.  You should understand that Anthony doesn't play little league anymore - that would be silly since he's 25.  He just likes to watch the games and yell things like, "Hey batter batter swing!" and such.  I digress.  So, Anthony gets a concussion at the little league game not because he got hit in the head by a fly ball, but because the popcorn machine was equipped with too much oil causing a mini-explosion.  It was the knob on the door of the exploding popcorn machine that caused the concussion.  At the hospital, the front desk told me to walk straight down the hall, take a left at the second nurse's station, take elevator D to the 4th floor, exit the elevator to the left, go to the first nurses station and ask for further directions.  I know this sounds simple to you, but you must remember I was very worried about my brother.  I was concerned he might be burned by the hot popcorn oil.  It's amazing he wasn't if you think about it.  With this on my mind, I walked straight away from the information desk, took a left at the second nurse's station, took elevator D to the 4th floor, exited the elevator to the right, and walked straight into the Psychiatric unit.  I was later told that the door is normally locked, but another person was leaving and held the door for me.  You see how things like this can happen.  It was three days before the hospital realized that I was not a patient, but in fact a visitor.  Three days of me telling them the story above only to be told to 'calm down' and 'take this pill'. In short, I would like a map.

2 - Will we be provided with detailed biographies of all nurses and physicians in the maternity department?  I saw a story on the news about a nurse who steals babies, so I will need to do my own research on your staff before I will commit to bringing my precious baby into this world in your hospital. On the other hand, I would like to know who the weak link is (if there is one) so that I can have an ally if I choose to switch babies.  As you are aware, some babies are cuter than others. 

C - Does "pregnancy brain" affect one's ability to remember their own email address?  If not, I would recommend you admit the Kimberly Henderson who shows up to this Maternity Tour to your psychiatric unit.  She is using my email address - the email address of a single, un-pregnant girl in Atlanta, GA. 

Have a marvelous day and see if you can't straighten her out when you see her.  Thanks!

The REAL Kimberly Henderson 

Up N' Comin

From: CEO and Founder Up N' Comin Magazine
To: Me
Date: 10/26/2012
Subject: Final Hair and Make-Up Information for Up N' Comin Magazine Event

Good Evening Hair and Make-up Team

Here is the Final List for Hair and Make-up Team:

Hair Stylist Team               Make-up Artist Team
Gabriel                                 Tiffany
Lakesha                               Vicki
Sidney                                  Danielle
Kimberly Henderson          Jackie

I am truly thankful for both hair and make-up teams for agreeing to do the make-up and hair for this event. The models will arrive at Owings Mills Mall at Jazzy Studios at 12:00pm

You guys need to arrive at Owings Mills Mall by 11:45-12:00pm that way when models get there, you can get started.

Hair Stylist Team: Jazzy studios will be the place where you will set up and do the hair. We have at least 19 to 25 girls hair to do. Each girl will either get a high bun or a long fish tail braid. Attached to this email are two pictures of the hair styles that you will have to do.

Make-up Artist Team: Sylk Cosmetics will be the place where all make-up artist will set-up and do make up there. We have at least 19 to 25 girls to do. Each girl will get the two looks attached to the email. All make-up artist are responsible for bringing their make-up and materials to do there make-up. 

All Make-up and Hair Must be done by 4:00pm or no later than 3:45pm
All models must be at the Eubie Blake Center No later than 4:30pm

After 4pm to 6pm this will give you time to get ready for the event and be at the eubie blake center when the doors Open. Now I do need maybe two make-up artist that will come to he eubie blake center and make sure that make-up it touched up and clean for the show at 6pm

If you guys have any question please feel free to email me or call me at 555-555-5555

From the Desk of CEO and Founder
- Up N' Comin Magazine

From: Me
To: CEO and Founder Up N' Comin Magazine
Date: 10/26/2012
Subject: RE: Final Hair and Make-Up Information for Up N' Comin Magazine Event

Hi CEO and Founder,

I hope you are having a good day. I'm having a rough time of it myself; let's just say that there is a reason home permanents and home hair color should never be used, much less at the same time. I hope that my changed appearance will not affect your opinion of my abilities.

The reason I am responding is that I have a couple of ideas for hair and make-up. I know that you are the real professional here and I do not intend to step on your parade or anything, but just check out the attached pictures and see what you think. In my opinion, my concepts would really take Up N' Coming magazine to the next level. 

Also, in regards to the upcoming event, I will be happy to do the hair at the Owings Mills Mall, but I will not be willing to go to the Eubie Blake Center. You see, family legend has it that my great-grandfather had a long running feud with Mr. Blake that centered around who played ragtime better...a real pianist or a player piano. At one point, Mr. Blake got so upset with my ancestor that he put a curse on the whole family that went something like, "any time you attempt to enter the center that will someday be named for me, your skin will become so dry you will question whether you remembered to use lotion that morning". Honestly, I'm just not willing to risk it.

Oh, two more things, I'm not a hair stylist and I do not live in (or around) Baltimore.

You may want to contact hair stylist Kimberly Henderson using another method and let her know that this is my email address and not hers ;)

Sincerely,
the REAL Kimberly Henderson

Other Kimberly and Her S.O. Visit Gandhi in Atlanta

From: kimberlyhenderson3475983749583759@mail.com
To: Me
Date: 08/11/2012
Subject: None

From: Me
To:  kimberlyhenderson3475983749583759@mail.com
Date: 08/11/2012
Subject: None

I think you forwarded these to me in error.  Hope you are having fun in Atlanta if you are visiting!  Wonderful city. I have not yet been to see the Gandhi statue at MLK Jr's Historic Site yet, but it looks lovely.

Happy Mother's Day!

From: 123Greetings.com
To: Me
Date: 05/13/2012
Subject: ThoughtfulPerson@gmail has sent you an ecard!

From: Me
To: ThoughtfulPerson@gmail.com
Date: 05/13/2012
Subject: Fw: ThoughtfulPerson@gmail has sent you an ecard!


Hi ThoughtfulPerson,

You might want to sit down before you read this email.  It's clear that I did more damage than I thought when I hit my head on the medicine cabinet this morning.  I assume from the message in the e-card that I am either your daughter or your mother, but memory loss from the bump to my noggin has made me forget important life events.  To be honest, I don't even remember having a child and there are no pictures in my apartment to indicate that I ever have.  How long has it been since you have spoken to me?  Have I been living a life of lies for years now due to amnesia of some sort?  Gosh, I hope not.

It would make much more sense if you just used the wrong email address.  Please check your address book because I would hate for your real daughter or mother thought you forgot her today. 

Sincerely,
Kimberly Henderson

p.s. Happy Mother's Day to you too!

Chick Inn

From: Chick Inn Lady
To: Me
Date: 05/03/2012

From: Me
To: Chick Inn Lady
Date: 05/04/2012

Won't Eat

From: John.Smith@iPhone
To: me
Date: 1/26/11

Collards
Cooked cabbage, I eat slaw
Sprouts
I prefer raw broccoli or cauliflower to cooked. Don't like cooked very much
Raisins
Kraut
Dates
Prunes


Sent from my iPhone

From: me
To: John.Smith@iPhone
Date: 1/27/12

Here's mine:

Black Eyed Peas
Kidney Beans
Tomatoes (or any sauce containing them)
Rye Bread
Rhubarb pie
Brussels Sprouts
Cottage Cheese
Raw Oysters
Raw Onions - I like them caramelized though

This is fun! What do you want to trade lists about next? Favorite movies?


From: John.Smith@gmail.com
To: me
Date: 1/27/11

Didn't you ask me to email a list of what I won't eat?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

From: me
To: John.Smith@iPhone
Date: 1/27/12


Not that I recall.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't even know anyone named John Smith.

From: John.Smith@iPhone
To: me
Date: 1/27/11

Oops just realized my mistake. I don't know who are. But that's pretty damn funny.

I was trying to email my personal trainer. Kimberly d Henderson.

Sorry to bother you. But that's for replying. I got a good laugh out of it.

Sent from my iPhone

Freestyle CD

From: Freestyle Dance Class Attendee
To: Me
Date: 12/18/11

It was really meeting you the other day, I enjoyed the class! I have a CD for you and the other instructors to share but I need to know how to get it to you. My cell phone # is nnn-nnnn and I'll be at LTF Mon, Thurs and Friday mornings this week. Polissena lives in my neighborhood so maybe she can pick it up? Let me know what works best.

Freestyle Dance Class Attendee

From: Me
To: Freestyle Dance Class Attendee
Date: 12/19/11

Hi Freestyle Dance Class Attendee,
I wonder if I take you home with me, will you change on me or take me in your arms? Don't stop the rock, diamond girl. I wanna be the one and I won't stop loving you. Give me tonight and please don't go. In a few days you will say, "Lookout Weekend!" because we will reach the point of no return. You must understand, when I hear music, I let the music play and it makes me dance. Come go with me in the silent morning in the summertime summertime and I'll be all you ever need. Party your body and tell it to my heart as you come into my arms saying, "Catch me I'm falling". I won't set you free until you say, release me. I'm crying over you, but I have no reason to cry because we ride highways of love. I can't wait...don't make me wait. On the upside, the treasure of my heart is your love letter. Like honey to a bee, this is real love. Yo little brother, jump back and jam the box if you should ever be lonely. Where are you tonight? Dancing on the fire? Why do you treat me badly? I'm in a dream of Arabian nights. You are my all n all.

Sincerely Yours,
Kimberly Henderson, the software designer in Atlanta, GA who does not know you and does not teach dance classes...but I could...if I wanted to.

Take it while it's hot.


From: Freestyle Dance Class Attendee
To: Me
Date: 12/19/11

Thanks, I enjoyed your email :) Sorry for the typo

Anne Geddes Wannabe

From: annegeddeswannabe@aol.com
To: me
Date: 11/6/11

Sent from my HTC smartphone on the Now Network from Sprint!


From: me
To: annegeddeswannabe@aol.com
Date: 11/6/11

Funny. I am not sure that this is funny. Every day...EVERY DAY children are starving and you think it's funny to put one in a penguin suit and send the picture to me. Did you know that the average child works for 8 hours a day and is only given two 5 minute breaks in which to empty their bladder and feed their belly? Did you know that the average 6 year old child has only seen the sun 4 times? In some countries, it has been proven that children are less likely to eat macaroni and cheese than their adult counterparts? Animals are treated better.

Wait...was that your point? Was this meant to be ironic funny? If so, I am with you. I love the statement it makes: if you want children to get better treatment, dress them as animals. Okay, I get it. I am so sorry about the last paragraph. I was out of line. It took me a minute to understand your perspective.

I love children.

I love penguins.

I love people named Kimberly Henderson.

However, we are not all so lucky to have this email address. I am thinking that the one you know was not the lucky one. You might want to give her a ring and ask her for her real email address.

I do not mind if you continue to send me pictures of children wearing penguin costumes. I find it infinitely entertaining.

Prenatal Massage vs Prenatal Debauchery

From: awellmeaningfriendofsomeone@hotmail.com
To: Me
Date: 9/7/11

Hope they are not all booked up!

Fruit of the Womb Birthing Services
Labor Support and Childbirth Classes
www.baltimorebirth.com

RECEIVE A FREE PRENATAL MASSAGE

Pregnant Volunteers Needed

For Prenatal Massage Therapy Class

How would you (or a pregnant woman you may know) like to enjoy a full body massage (or two) by a licensed massage therapist, free of charge?

The professional certification workshop “MotherMassage®:

Massage During Pregnancy” is coming to the Baltimore School of Massage Therapy on March 19-21, 2010. This course trains professionals and childbirth educators how to massage pregnant women. We are looking for healthy pregnant women who can spend Saturday morning with us, March 20th from 10:15am to 12:30pm.

It’s a fun way to get rid of your backache and other common discomforts while helping professionals learn their new skills. If you can join us, please bring a snack and some water with you.

From: Me
To: awellmeaningfriendofsomeone@hotmail.com
Date: 9/7/11

Unfortunately, I have plans on the 24th of September. Your birthing lessons have been giving me such confidence that I have decided to take that weekend to have a little "me time". I have been reading some medical journals that say a pregnant woman can consume a glass of wine a day, as much as 4 cigarettes a day and, while it's still inconclusive, smoke pot. By my math, I figure I have gone smoke and alcohol free for at least 90 days so that's enough wine and smokes to make for a pretty fun weekend in Vegas. You are welcome to join me if you like.

If you aren't up for Vegas, you might want to get in touch with the Kimberly Henderson who has been attending your birthing classes and get her actual email address, cause this ain't it.

Columbia House and Going Green

From: One of Greatest.GoogleStalk.Name.Ever's employees
To: Me, Greatest.GoogleStalk.Name.Ever and others
Date: 8/16/11

I've shared Columbia House

Click to open: Columbia House

Google Docs makes it easy to create, store and share online documents, spreadsheets and presentations.

From: Me
To: One of Greatest.GoogleStalk.Name.Ever's employees, Greatest.GoogleStalk.Name.Ever and others
Date: 8/16/11

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about green construction and what it really means to me. I love the idea of using renewable resources, shrinking our carbon footprint and all things sustainable. On the other hand, I think about consumerism and what it means to me. I love cars, styrofoam cups and all things wasteful. Just the mention of Columbia House and I have flashbacks to my childhood when my mom let me sign up for 5 free tapes as long as I remained a member for a year. I remember forgetting to return that postcard saying that I didn't want the selection of the month and paying $18 for Rick Astley's Whenever You Need Somebody. Let's not forget how much I loved dancing to Caribbean Queen in my dad's basement with my jam box on my shoulder. I mean, you guys, don't you remember? How about Pebbles? Remember that song "Mercedes Boy" and how much it made you want a Mercedes so you could tell a boy that if he wants to ride in it with you, there were so many things that you were gonna do to him? And then...oh my god...and then... PRINCE. My mom heard like one verse of Darling Nikki and the next thing you know, Purple Rain was in the compactor. I was putting tape over the tabs on Whenever You Need Somebody and using my friends dual tape deck to overdub Prince on that shit so my sister and I would still have I Would Die 4 U and When Doves Cry. Right? Wow. I guess what I'm saying is that I have no idea who you people are. While I think it is cool that one of you is apparently a somebody in the Baltimore scene according to Google, I live in Atlanta. I'm thinking that your Kimberly Henderson has a different email address.


From: Greatest.GoogleStalk.Name.Ever
To: Me
Date: 8/16/11

OK - this was fantastic.

Sorry about that. One of my employees..
1. is not so savvy on the interwebs,
2. does not understand some tasks, and
3. doesn't feel the need to check the name and email address.

I'm glad Google thinks I'm somebody in the Baltimore scene; it might be the only one.

Thanks for the correction, and I'm sorry to have bothered you. I'm pretty sure you have a future (or present - i couldn't successfully cyber-stalk you) in comedy writing. Your awesome references tell me we are roughly the same age.

Enjoy your styrofoam and look us up if you get to Baltimore

Blow Up or Blow Out?

From: Drybar Brentwood Appointment-Fairy@thedrybar.com
To: Me
Date: 8/3/11

Dear Kim Henderson,

Thank you for booking an appointment at Drybar Brentwood. We are so excited to see you!

Date Wednesday, August 03, 2011 2:00 PM
Booking # 100008850445
Service
2:00 pm Blow out

From: me
To: Drybar Brentwood Appointment-Fairy@thedrybar.com
Date: 8/3/11

I see that Kim Henderson is getting her hair done at your location at 2pm this afternoon. Since I, Kimberly Henderson, live in Atlanta, I will have a hard time making it to the appointment in time. When this impostor arrives at your location this afternoon, I suggest you let her know that you are aware of her corrupt and ill-advised plan to annoy me. It is clear that she is envious of my email address and hopes that by harassing me via Drybar appointments, reminders and all the other emails you send that I might someday give in and let her have my email address. Please tell her that this is not going to happen. Over my dead body will she get this email address from me. In fact, I plan to live a very long time.

You might also want to tell her that she's lucky I haven't cancelled every single one of her appointments.

Good Day.

A Birthday Party for All Seasons

From: employee@allseasonstentrental.com
To: me
Date: 7/29/11

How are you today! Thank you for contacting All Seasons for your event rental needs.

Please find the brochure attached with specific item costs. There is a minimum order before we are able to deliver, please inquire when you are ready to proceed with your event needs. Also, rental of items are not rented based on each day...this includes set up, day of event and break down (typically 3 day usage) any additional days needed will be charged additional fees.

One of our sales representatives would be happy to provide a specific itemized quote. I will need the exact delivery address, complete contact information and delivery/pick up dates. If there is a specific time for delivery, there may be an additional charge. Or if you like you may pick up the items needed and return them the following business day.

Come see the showroom, we're located at 702 Blue Ridge Blvd., Grandview, MO 64030. Hours open are Monday thru Friday 8am-5pm.

Feel free to contact the office directly for any questions or special event planning arrangements.

Also, check out our websites (links below) and see some of the special events we've put together.

Sales Assistant

From: me
To: employee@allseasonstentrental.com
Date: 7/29/11

Hi Sales Assistant,
I am so happy to get your brochure and begin the decision making process for the event on August 14th (address: 1717 Main Street, Kansas City, MO). The event will be a birthday party for my friend Lisa and we really want to go all out this year. After perusing your brochure, I have the following questions:

* I am considering the All Trac and All Peak tents, but would be interested in the number of poles provided with a 20' X 40' tent
* What is the maximum weight that each pole can bear
* What is the maximum weight that the serpentine table can bear
* If I were to rent the popcorn machine, how long would it take for the machine to produce enough popcorn to fill an average wrestling ring (approx 10' x 10' assuming a popcorn depth of 12")
* Do you know of any agencies that can provide midgets for entertainment (for the popcorn wrestling in particular...since we already have a number of midget strippers willing to perform for free)
* Concerning your spandex linens, have you ever suited conjoined twins (aka Siamese twins) with one of these? I am assuming that a 30" round would be satisfactory, but would be interested to hear your opinion (remember that we are going for skimpy, not full coverage)

Thanks in advance for your prompt answers!

Oh, and in the future, make sure that your potential clients provide you with an accurate email address to prevent time wasting emails such as this one.

Good Day!

Mitey Mites

From: teammom@cox.net
To: Me
Date: 7/28/11

Good Afternoon Mitey Mite Parents,

It’s that time of year again…. I have called all of you in regards to our team meeting this Sunday at 4:00 (Recreation Center). Zeriah Folston will be Head Coach and on Sunday he will introduce his staff.
Several of you have returning players and several will be first year parents and players. Communication has been a problem in the past; however, Coach Folston and I are committed to get the word out to you as soon as we get it. Let me introduce myself. My name is Colleen Lauter and I will be helping as team mom. I have 3 boys in the program Stephan (junior pee wee), Matthew (mitey mite), and Chris (tiny mite). So, I have committed to being the communicator for the team via email or phone. Another team mom will be chosen to be on the field. She will be announced as soon as I confirmed that she is committed. If you are Interested in being team mom on the field please let Coach Folston or I know on Sunday. Coach Folston and I worked together last year and had a very successful team. I am all about taking care of the kids.
Please ensure to contact me via email or phone (nnn-nnnn) if you have ‘any’ concerns or questions. Coach Folston and I will try to help in any way we can. Reminder that there are a lot of demands to this program and we are all volunteers. We are looking forward to meeting you and your children on Sunday.

See you on the field,
Team Mom

From: Me
To: teammom@cox.net
Date: 7/28/11

I am sad to report that I will be pulling my child(ren) out of the Mitey Mite program for the following reasons:

* lack of trust in the promise of communication improvements since Ms. Lauter cannot send emails to the appropriate addresses
* the use of Mites as a mascot when the subclass of Acari is already treated as a sub-standard class of arachnid
* the misspelling of the word 'mighty' really pisses me off

Good Day!

Brown Mackie

From: someone@brownmackie.edu
To: me
Date: 6/30/11

Dear Kimberly,

I recently received your request for information about the Practical Nursing program. Beginning your education is a positive step toward reaching the career goal that you have set for yourself. We are now enrolling for classes starting on August 1st.

I have attempted on several occasions to reach you by telephone to discuss your interests, but have been unsuccessful. Would you please give me a call at your earliest convenience or reply to this message indicating a convenient time for me to call?

I look forward to hearing about your interests and providing you with the information that should help you make the best decision for your educational needs.

Sincerely,

Associate Director of Admissions
someone@brownmackie.edu


From: me
To: someone@brownmackie.edu
Date: 6/30/11

The person you are trying to contact gave you an incorrect email address. I personally have no interest in Practical Nursing. I prefer the impractical kind.

Casillero del Diablo

From: agirliwishiknew@gmail.com
To: me
Date: 2/2/11

Hey Kim!!

How are you?? Sorry I left too early, I had to do a favour to Ivan and thought I would be back for lunch, but it didn´t work... too much traffic and I was kinda late for everything I had to do today... I was also thinking about going back to my apartment tonight, but I don´t think I´ll make it... anyway, if I am not mistaken, you are going out with Ferri tonight, is that right??? Well, hope it works out and you don't end up watching TV tonight... however, if that happens, you are more than welcome to watch one of the movies next to the TV (it´s not common to have a good movie Wednesday night on TV...lol)... if you like, you can also take one of my wines... if I am not mistaken I still have Casillero del Diablo (maybe in one of the boxes)... they are quite good and perfect to drink with some cheese watching TV...

Anyway, but since I´m not gonna see you tonight, I'm writing because I was thinking about what to do during the days my cousin is here... as I told you, I´ll pick him up tomorrow night and he will stay till the 15th... I am not sure either (since I got this "job"), that we´ll manage to travel as I expected, so its gonna be 3 of us in my apartment... since he´s a guy, old enough, and I don't have another mattress or bed, I was thinking about letting him stay at your room and you sleep with me, is that ok for you??? Sorry to tel you that with such short notice, but I was really hoping I could find a better solution, or get a spare mattress, but it just didn´t happen...

the second thing, is that a friend of mine, told me about a language school... I forgot the name, but I could ask her once again if you are not happy with the ones you found... And how about apartments, have you found any one good so far??? Sorry, I was really hoping I could help you and take you to some buildings, but I´ll be quite busy with my cousin till 15th of this month... and I think I´ll travel on the 20th of February, so we dont have that much time... so let me know if I could help you in some other way.... maybe internet research or something... ???

Ah, and one more thing, Otavio, Ferri, Cury, my cousin, Ivan and I, are having a barbecue this Saturday... we wont have that much vegetables, but its so easy to make a pasta or something else... and you are more than welcome to join us!!! I think it will be at my moms house (they are going to the beach), but I´ll let you know in case you can come!! just let me know because Im buying the ingredients tomorrow of after tomorrow...

Once again, if you need anything, just call me (nnnn-nnnn). See you tomorrow!

Beijos,

the girl I wish I knew

From: me
To: agirliwishiknew@gmail.com
Date: 2/2/11

I don't know you folks, but I like Casillero del Diablo...so you can just send that over to the states for me. Thanks ;)