Past Due Balance

From: Moxie Pest Control
To: Me

Kimberly Henderson,

Your account with Moxie Pest Control has a balance over 30 days past due. Please send your payment as soon as possible to our office at the address noted above or call the number below to make payment over the phone. Your prompt payment is appreciated. If you foresee any difficulty with making payment promptly, please contact us at 555-555-8200, or email at the address below, so that we can discuss possible payment arrangements.
If payment of this amount has already been remitted, please disregard this notice and accept our "Thank You" for the payment.
If you have any questions and/or concerns, don't hesitate to call.

Thanks for your time,
Moxie Pest Control Office Staff



To: Moxie Pest Control
From: Me

Dear Moxie Pest Control Office Staff,

I apologize for being remiss in remitting my payment for your services, but it seems that the gods are conspiring against me.  You see, when I sat down to write a check out to Moxie Pest Control, the check book was not in it's usual location.  When I later found the checkbook in the freezer, my pen and pencil drawer was empty. I was relieved to find a pen in my purse, but then things got weird. I opened the check book to where the little plastic flap is and all of the remaining checks had bizarre messages on them.  The first one said, "VOID" across it in big capital letters.  The next one said, "Use this at your own peril!". The third one threatened my life using words that I will not repeat in this email.  I think the fourth one had blood on it.  So...that was odd.  

It was at this point that I attempted to call you at the number you provided. That was a very bad idea. My cell phone battery was dead and my charger cord had been severed (it had teeth marks on it). Luckily (or so I thought), I still have a home phone, so I attempted to call you from my kitchen.  Have you ever seen the movie 'Final Destination', Moxie Pest Control Staff? If you haven't, you should watch this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxYVT3x6_hM.  What happened next was a lot like what happened in that scene except for two things: 1 - I was trying to place a phone call and 2 - I survived. Ok...three things: 3 - I'm not as young or pretty as the woman in the film.  So, back to my story, when I removed the handset from the receiver, I took a step backwards toward the kitchen table.  To my dismay, there was a dishtowel on the floor and it caused me to slip and fall on my fanny.  I was not able to keep a hold on the handset as I fell and the coiled cord acted as a projectile after it caught on the edge of a chair.  When it came free, it slammed me hard on the nose which caused my nose to bleed profusely. I then reached for the dishtowel to catch the blood but it had caught air during the melee and ended up on the counter.  If you watched the video, I don't need to explain what happened when I tried to pull the dishtowel off of the counter.  

So, I am now resorting to email in an attempt to aksjfd aeirjwaoeir awirthtwklrjgn afjkgbg

Dear Moxie Evildoers,

Kimberly Henderson is now our hostage.  If you ever attempt to poison us again or if we hear that you continue to call us pests, we will come for you next.

Also, you should call Kimberly Henderson or perhaps send her a collection letter via snail mail.  She apparently thought it would be fun to give you someone else's email address.  This particular Kimberly Henderson lives in Atlanta and has never used your services. 

Sincerely,

the Rat King

DJ Needed

From: Another Kimberly Henderson
To: DJ BB

Hello Mr. Barnes,

My name is Kimberly Henderson and I was the party planner for the Hurd's Retirement Party. The reason for my email is I am planning a graduation party on Jun 1 and I need to hire a DJ. You did such a great job for the Hurd's that I wanted to see if you are available on Jun 1? If so, can you please email me your cost? The party will be from 7 - 11 pm at the Royal Oak Country Club.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thanks
Kimberly Henderson

From: DJ BB
To: Me

Hello Kimberly, were you able to find a dj for the first of june because I am available.  My booking canceled.

From: Me
To: DJ BB

Hey DJ Bubba Bear! (I made that up myself using your initials!  Isn't it great? If you decide to use this name on promotional materials, it's fine with me. I won't sue or anything.)  Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

The graduation party is still on and we are still looking to hire a DJ.  I have been working on developing a theme for this party and with the recent release of the Great Gatsby movie, I'm picturing a 1920s party.  I know these kids are still underage, but it kinda goes along with a prohibition theme to have bathtub gin and hunch punch, don't you think?
As far as music is concerned, I want to stick to 20-30s style music mashed up with modern rap & hip hop like they did for the movie.  Here are some songs that I think would go well together (of course, you are the dj, so feel free to get creative):

Yes! We Have No Bananas / Illest Motherf*cker Alive
I Loves You Porgy / Hate that I Love You
In the Jailhouse Now / 25 to Life
Ain't Misbehavin' / 99 Problems
Heebie Jeebies / Thrift Shop
My Mammy / B!tch Don't Kill My Vibe
California, Here I Come! / California Love
Walk Right In / Trapped in the Closet
Sweet Georgia Brown/ ATLiens

I'll keep thinking on this and send you an email each time I think of one.
Also, you might want to send a separate email to the Kimberly Henderson that asked if you were available for a graduation party on June 1st.  Turns out, there is more than one Kimberly Henderson and only one of us (that's me) got this email address.

Best of Luck to you DJ Bubba Bear!!

Stay and Play

From: Denise
To: Me

Hi Kimberly,

I am interested in joining you on Friday for the play date, however I am not sure if I will be able to make it this Friday.

In the future if you continue to do these kinds of events I would love to join you all so if you would not mind keeping me in the loop that would be great. I have a son who will be 2 in a few weeks and I love doing play dates with others! 

Thanks so much for offering this!

Love,
Denise

From: Me

To: Denise

Hi Denise,
Whenever you can come is fine - there will always be space for your son.  Our Stay and Play events are similar to the Hotel California in that you can check in any time you like, but you can never leave.  I hope I mentioned that the last time we talked since that seems to catch some parents off guard. 

The perks of a 24/7 lifetime-long play groups are numerous.  You never have to worry about your child being bored at home since we currently have 50 children between the ages of 6mo and 12 years in the building.  Once a child turns 13, we send them to a separate facility in a 3rd world country where they stay until they are 17 and learn to appreciate nice things.  At 17, they return to our U.S. facility and begin working as staff and caretakers.  Our curriculum is light on the 3 Rs, but heavy on manual labor and street smarts.  Some of our staff who are not suited for childcare are sent out as panhandlers to keep this operation running, so that's where the street smarts training really pays off (as you can imagine)! 

Hope to see you soon!
Kimberly

p.s. I have a strong suspicion that you intended to send this message to a different Kimberly Henderson.  And before you call the cops on me, I'm kidding.  I swear I'm kidding. 

Maternity Tour

From: Employee of a hospital in the northeast
To: Me
Date: 12/07/2012
Subject: Registration for Maternity Tour

Thank you for registering for Maternity Tour at Hospital. 
Your registration is provisional for the course.

Course Name: Maternity Tour
Course Date and Time: Sun, Jan 20, 2013 3:15PM - 4:15PM
Instructor: Judy
Special Instructions/Comments:Partners may attend To process registration, when asked for payment - click "check" to process. Tour is Free. Do not send check. 

Name: Kimberly Henderson
This registration is provisional. To confirm this registration please send your check for $Free to the following address:

Address of hospital in northeast


From: Me
To: Employee of a hospital in the northeast
Date: 12/07/2012
Subject: Registration for Maternity Tour

I have a few questions that I hope you will be able to answer during the Maternity Tour for which I have registered.  If you prefer to answer me directly in email, that's fine too.  

1 - Will we be given a map prior to the tour?  I have a fear of getting lost in hospitals.  The reason is this: the last time I was in a hospital, it was because my older brother, Anthony, had gotten a concussion at a little league game.  You should understand that Anthony doesn't play little league anymore - that would be silly since he's 25.  He just likes to watch the games and yell things like, "Hey batter batter swing!" and such.  I digress.  So, Anthony gets a concussion at the little league game not because he got hit in the head by a fly ball, but because the popcorn machine was equipped with too much oil causing a mini-explosion.  It was the knob on the door of the exploding popcorn machine that caused the concussion.  At the hospital, the front desk told me to walk straight down the hall, take a left at the second nurse's station, take elevator D to the 4th floor, exit the elevator to the left, go to the first nurses station and ask for further directions.  I know this sounds simple to you, but you must remember I was very worried about my brother.  I was concerned he might be burned by the hot popcorn oil.  It's amazing he wasn't if you think about it.  With this on my mind, I walked straight away from the information desk, took a left at the second nurse's station, took elevator D to the 4th floor, exited the elevator to the right, and walked straight into the Psychiatric unit.  I was later told that the door is normally locked, but another person was leaving and held the door for me.  You see how things like this can happen.  It was three days before the hospital realized that I was not a patient, but in fact a visitor.  Three days of me telling them the story above only to be told to 'calm down' and 'take this pill'. In short, I would like a map.

2 - Will we be provided with detailed biographies of all nurses and physicians in the maternity department?  I saw a story on the news about a nurse who steals babies, so I will need to do my own research on your staff before I will commit to bringing my precious baby into this world in your hospital. On the other hand, I would like to know who the weak link is (if there is one) so that I can have an ally if I choose to switch babies.  As you are aware, some babies are cuter than others. 

C - Does "pregnancy brain" affect one's ability to remember their own email address?  If not, I would recommend you admit the Kimberly Henderson who shows up to this Maternity Tour to your psychiatric unit.  She is using my email address - the email address of a single, un-pregnant girl in Atlanta, GA. 

Have a marvelous day and see if you can't straighten her out when you see her.  Thanks!

The REAL Kimberly Henderson 

Up N' Comin

From: CEO and Founder Up N' Comin Magazine
To: Me
Date: 10/26/2012
Subject: Final Hair and Make-Up Information for Up N' Comin Magazine Event

Good Evening Hair and Make-up Team

Here is the Final List for Hair and Make-up Team:

Hair Stylist Team               Make-up Artist Team
Gabriel                                 Tiffany
Lakesha                               Vicki
Sidney                                  Danielle
Kimberly Henderson          Jackie

I am truly thankful for both hair and make-up teams for agreeing to do the make-up and hair for this event. The models will arrive at Owings Mills Mall at Jazzy Studios at 12:00pm

You guys need to arrive at Owings Mills Mall by 11:45-12:00pm that way when models get there, you can get started.

Hair Stylist Team: Jazzy studios will be the place where you will set up and do the hair. We have at least 19 to 25 girls hair to do. Each girl will either get a high bun or a long fish tail braid. Attached to this email are two pictures of the hair styles that you will have to do.

Make-up Artist Team: Sylk Cosmetics will be the place where all make-up artist will set-up and do make up there. We have at least 19 to 25 girls to do. Each girl will get the two looks attached to the email. All make-up artist are responsible for bringing their make-up and materials to do there make-up. 

All Make-up and Hair Must be done by 4:00pm or no later than 3:45pm
All models must be at the Eubie Blake Center No later than 4:30pm

After 4pm to 6pm this will give you time to get ready for the event and be at the eubie blake center when the doors Open. Now I do need maybe two make-up artist that will come to he eubie blake center and make sure that make-up it touched up and clean for the show at 6pm

If you guys have any question please feel free to email me or call me at 555-555-5555

From the Desk of CEO and Founder
- Up N' Comin Magazine

From: Me
To: CEO and Founder Up N' Comin Magazine
Date: 10/26/2012
Subject: RE: Final Hair and Make-Up Information for Up N' Comin Magazine Event

Hi CEO and Founder,

I hope you are having a good day. I'm having a rough time of it myself; let's just say that there is a reason home permanents and home hair color should never be used, much less at the same time. I hope that my changed appearance will not affect your opinion of my abilities.

The reason I am responding is that I have a couple of ideas for hair and make-up. I know that you are the real professional here and I do not intend to step on your parade or anything, but just check out the attached pictures and see what you think. In my opinion, my concepts would really take Up N' Coming magazine to the next level. 

Also, in regards to the upcoming event, I will be happy to do the hair at the Owings Mills Mall, but I will not be willing to go to the Eubie Blake Center. You see, family legend has it that my great-grandfather had a long running feud with Mr. Blake that centered around who played ragtime better...a real pianist or a player piano. At one point, Mr. Blake got so upset with my ancestor that he put a curse on the whole family that went something like, "any time you attempt to enter the center that will someday be named for me, your skin will become so dry you will question whether you remembered to use lotion that morning". Honestly, I'm just not willing to risk it.

Oh, two more things, I'm not a hair stylist and I do not live in (or around) Baltimore.

You may want to contact hair stylist Kimberly Henderson using another method and let her know that this is my email address and not hers ;)

Sincerely,
the REAL Kimberly Henderson

Other Kimberly and Her S.O. Visit Gandhi in Atlanta

From: kimberlyhenderson3475983749583759@mail.com
To: Me
Date: 08/11/2012
Subject: None

From: Me
To:  kimberlyhenderson3475983749583759@mail.com
Date: 08/11/2012
Subject: None

I think you forwarded these to me in error.  Hope you are having fun in Atlanta if you are visiting!  Wonderful city. I have not yet been to see the Gandhi statue at MLK Jr's Historic Site yet, but it looks lovely.

Happy Mother's Day!

From: 123Greetings.com
To: Me
Date: 05/13/2012
Subject: ThoughtfulPerson@gmail has sent you an ecard!

From: Me
To: ThoughtfulPerson@gmail.com
Date: 05/13/2012
Subject: Fw: ThoughtfulPerson@gmail has sent you an ecard!


Hi ThoughtfulPerson,

You might want to sit down before you read this email.  It's clear that I did more damage than I thought when I hit my head on the medicine cabinet this morning.  I assume from the message in the e-card that I am either your daughter or your mother, but memory loss from the bump to my noggin has made me forget important life events.  To be honest, I don't even remember having a child and there are no pictures in my apartment to indicate that I ever have.  How long has it been since you have spoken to me?  Have I been living a life of lies for years now due to amnesia of some sort?  Gosh, I hope not.

It would make much more sense if you just used the wrong email address.  Please check your address book because I would hate for your real daughter or mother thought you forgot her today. 

Sincerely,
Kimberly Henderson

p.s. Happy Mother's Day to you too!